Four Takeaways from "Rescue Plan"
Nicholas, one of our members, shares with us four takeaways from "Rescue Plan" by Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes. This book tackles the issue of pornography, which is a struggle for both men and women, but is often not talked about. As Christians, how do we admit this and also help someone struggling with it?
Imagine one day you’re meeting up with a friend, Sarah, for lunch. Sarah is someone who you regularly see at church and care group, and at first glance, she appears to be a model Christian. You think that this lunch is just going to be a casual catch-up between friends. After a few minutes of small talk, she dips her gaze away from you and says, almost whispers:
“I need to tell you something. I’ve been watching pornography every night for the last few months. I can’t sleep properly, I can’t focus at work, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
How would you respond to Sarah? What questions would you ask? Would you even want to carry on the discussion?
If you’ve ever had this conversation with someone before, you know how awkward it can be! In some Christian circles, pornography is perceived as something so shameful, so revolting that merely mentioning it requires repentance. Yet in other circles, pornography is so readily accepted that even challenging it generates surprise. After all, why judge people for what they watch in the privacy of their own homes?
As followers of Christ, we want to avoid the opposing pitfalls of either avoiding pornography as a topic for discussion, or accepting it (even begrudgingly) as an expected part of life. But how?
That’s where I’ve found this book, “Rescue Plan” by Deepak Reju and Jonathan Holmes, to be a helpful and clarifying resource. With tenderness, biblical clarity, and pastoral wisdom, Reju and Holmes lay out a clear framework for how we can journey alongside those who struggle with this sin.
So, back to Sarah. How would you engage her? Here are a handful of helpful things I’ve taken away from the book:
1. Listen to the heart
To solve a problem, we first need to understand it.
We often respond to sin in other people in two different, yet equally unhelpful ways. We either scold—“Don’t you know that’s wrong? How could you even think to do that?”—or we dismiss it altogether—“Don’t worry, it’s not that bad. Everyone does it anyway”. The first approach fails to comprehend the reality of indwelling sin and the grace of the gospel, and only feeds the shame of the sinner. The second mocks the holiness of our God and endangers their very soul by entertaining sin. Neither approach gets to the heart of the matter, and so neither approach really helps.
Instead, respond by asking questions. James 1:14-15 tells us that each person is driven by their own desires which give birth to sin. So look out for those desires! Why do they watch porn? Is it merely carnal lust, or is there something deeper at work here? Perhaps they use it to let off some steam after a difficult day of work, or perhaps they long for romantic intimacy but have been single for a long time.
In other words, be slow to speak and quick to listen. Hold your tongue from offering a speedy rebuke or uninformed advice. Instead, ask good questions that draw your friend out, ones that encourage their open and honest sharing.
The act of watching pornography often belies deeper sins like the idolatry of romance or distrust of God’s providence. Knowing a person’s heart equips you to bring God’s truths to bear on them in a way that is helpful, like a skilful surgeon whose movements are not indiscriminate or blunt, but precise and designed to heal.
2. Look out for the 4 As: Access, Anonymity, Appetite, Atheism
Reju and Holmes list these four main foes that someone who’s addicted to pornography faces. As you engage your friend on this topic, listen out for the following:
Access: Where does your friend usually access pornography? Is there a way to install a filter on them? What other internet devices does your friend have?
Anonymity: Who else knows about their struggle? Is this friend plugged into a church community? Who are other people who can speak into this person’s life?
Appetite: What does this person love/hate/fear/desire? What does his or her behaviour say about their heart?
Atheism: What about God does this person struggle to believe? What lies does this person practically believe?
As you listen, think of ways that you can come alongside to plug the gaps. If your friend needs continued access to the internet (it’s actually possible for some to do without!), consider asking them to install a content filtering and accountability application like Covenant Eyes on all their devices. Encourage them to share about their struggles with other mature believers in the church (younger women with older women, younger men with older men).
Be discontent with surface-level conversations, and ask questions that get to their heart (e.g. asking ‘Why’ questions instead of just Who/What/When/Where). Open up Scripture with them and show them how the truths of God triumph over the lies of sin and Satan.
Galatians 6:2 calls us to bear each others’ burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ. How can you bear your brother or sister’s burdens?
3. Love long-term
When talking about recovering from sexual sin, author and Biblical counsellor David Powlison describes some believers as “leaping like gazelles”. These believers undergo a radical transformation in behaviour and thought seemingly overnight. Praise God when that happens! For most other believers however, sanctification is a “long journey in the same direction”. It’s less leaping and more crawling, just that this time we’re not headed toward death but life instead.
Are you quick to rebuke a fellow sinner who’s not making as much progress as you think they should? Perhaps you feel weary after a few meetings with this person, who seems to fall to sexual sin no matter what you say or do. You might even conclude that they’re simply not trying hard enough, and be tempted to give up on them altogether. After all, if they were really Christians, they would be better already.
Make no mistake, the Scriptures clearly call us to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. There is no dichotomy between the Spirit’s supernatural work in our hearts, and the real warring with sin that we must wage with our hands and feet. Laziness, pride, and self-deception are real enemies we must fight with God’s help.
But don’t mistake slow growth for no growth. Think of how patient the Lord is with you and your infirmities, how tenderly He shepherds you despite your wandering. What would we do if the Lord expected us to be perfect, today? Praise God, who knows that we are dust! Be like our steadfast and merciful Father—play the long game.
4. Look to Christ
Revelation 21 speaks of a coming Day when Jesus Christ will be enthroned and God Himself will dwell with His people. They will no longer struggle with sin, but will be made new, as with all of creation. God will wipe away every tear from their eye, and there will be no more mourning, crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
As you come alongside your struggling friend, you, and certainly your friend, will be tempted towards despair. Sin will appear too sticky, hearts too stubborn, habits too hard to break. In such moments, look to Jesus Christ, whose story started in the smelly mess of a manger and led to a shameful death on a cross. Yet it ends in resurrection and glory! So it is with all who trust in Him.
Jesus is not afraid to enter our mess—indeed, He came because of it. So don’t take your eyes off Him! Remember that it is our acceptance before God in Christ that frees us to change (Rom 6:14). Know that you can confidently draw near to His throne of grace, and receive mercy and grace to help in your time of need (Heb 4:16).
Are you afraid that some situations are too messy, too sinful for God to help? Look to Christ, whose death gave way to life and light for all.
If this is something you struggle with, we also encourage you to speak with a trusted Christian friend, your care group leader, or our elders (both staff and lay).